JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

A Husband and wife are shopping in their local store.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.'

“Clean up on aisle 9. Man down!”

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

A few skydivers decided to go to a boogie.

Now, nobody wanted to sleep in the same tent with Turtlespeed - he’s got a well known reputation for snoring and since it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time - so they voted to take turns.

Billy Vance is the first skydiver to bunk with Turtlespeed comes to manifest the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot, looking like he didn't get any sleep. They said, “Man, what happened to you?” He said, “Turtlespeed snores so loudly, I just sat up all night, couldn’t get any sleep - and I'm fookin deaf!”

The following night it was CSpenceFly's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all messed up, eyes blood-shot, etc. The people at manifest said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He said, “Man, that Turtlespeed! Shakes the roof he’s so loud. He kept me up all night.”

The third night was AggieDave's turn. Now, AggieDave is built like a big burly ex-football player. Said he wasn’t gonna put up with any snoring… “We’ll see!” said the other skydivers. The next morning, AggieDave came to manifest bright eyed and bushy tailed. “Good morning, wonderful day outside isn’t it?” he said.

They couldn’t believe it! They said, “Man, what happened?” AggieDave said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Turtlespeed into his sleeping bag, then kissed him good night. Didn't snore a bit. He just sat up all night.

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A few skydivers decided to go to a boogie.

Now, nobody wanted to sleep in the same tent with Turtlespeed - he’s got a well known reputation for snoring and since it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time - so they voted to take turns.

Billy Vance is the first skydiver to bunk with Turtlespeed comes to manifest the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot, looking like he didn't get any sleep. They said, “Man, what happened to you?” He said, “Turtlespeed snores so loudly, I just sat up all night, couldn’t get any sleep - and I'm fookin deaf!”

The following night it was CSpenceFly's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all messed up, eyes blood-shot, etc. The people at manifest said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He said, “Man, that Turtlespeed! Shakes the roof he’s so loud. He kept me up all night.”

The third night was AggieDave's turn. Now, AggieDave is built like a big burly ex-football player. Said he wasn’t gonna put up with any snoring… “We’ll see!” said the other skydivers. The next morning, AggieDave came to manifest bright eyed and bushy tailed. “Good morning, wonderful day outside isn’t it?” he said.

They couldn’t believe it! They said, “Man, what happened?” AggieDave said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Turtlespeed into his sleeping bag, then kissed him good night. Didn't snore a bit. He just sat up all night.

Damn ROFLMAO !!!! Get out and HD camera and we can tape this joke for Youtube !!!!!

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS
AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL


THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS
AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST
TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING
TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW
THE DIFFERENCE."

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD
MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU
KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!"

"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE
TIME I WAS LOVING HER."

HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS
A WITCH."

"A WITCH ??. . . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON
THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE
FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TAKING MY
TEETH WITH HER."

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THEN SHE
FARTED

A Missouri Sheriff stops at a ranch in rural MO and talks with an old farmer. He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.' The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The Sheriff verbally explodes saying,'Mister, I have the authority of the Sheriffs Department with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish..on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and sees the Sheriff running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified and screaming louder with each step of the bull gaining on him.

The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs....'Your badge! Show him your badge, Smartass!

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?' The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" 'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?' 'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?' 'No problem,' replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped !'

Just then the light changes, So the doctor decides to show The old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds The speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster !

'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, He sees the old man on the Moped?!?!?!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, He floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, Demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?' The old man whispers, 'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!'.

Dear Dr. Phil,
I was watching my next door neighbor’s wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off I turn to notice my wife just standing there, arms crossed… watching me.

Is my wife a pervert?

This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . . ..."

Aussie Humor

"As I was watching the Commonwealth Games in India recently, I saw a sign on a cab that said: 'English-speaking taxi driver'. "I thought, what a bloody great idea! Why don't we have them in our country?"



At The Construction Site:
As two construction workers left the job site, one guy confided in the other, "Man, as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip off my wife's underwear!"
"What's the rush?" asked his buddy.
"The elastic in the legs is rubbing me raw!"

1. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell??

2. Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey would you like a beer?" Descartes says "I think not..." and POOF! He disappears...

What does Satan do with all those hand baskets?

How many skydivers does it take to change a light bulb?
3
One to do the work
One to hold the beer
One to call 911.

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One to do the work
One to hold the beer
One to call 911 be the 'doctor' and fix up the injured worker.

FIFY

Ah, thats the same blonde walking down the street, spots a banana skin lying on the footpath in front of her.

"Damn, I'm gonna fall down AGAIN!!".

Later, being late for work, she told the boss there had been a power cut, and she was stuck on the escalator for an hour.

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Q. How many gorillas does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Only one, but it does take a lot of light bulbs!

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How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but it takes a long, long time, it's very expensive, and the light bulb has to WANT to change.

And how many Aussies does it take to change a lightbulb?.

100......

1 to hold the bulb, the other 99 to turn the house around.

I'll probably get shit for this one. But remember I'm a girl


How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Women can't change anything.

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I'll probably get shit for this one. But remember I'm a girl


How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Women can't change anything.

Except their minds, often.

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I'll probably get shit for this one. But remember I'm a girl


How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Women can't change anything.

Except their minds, often.

And their hairstyles.

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I'll probably get shit for this one. But remember I'm a girl


How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Women can't change anything.

Except their minds, often.

And their hairstyles.

ugh fine. The joke is clearly bad. We change shit all the time. What can I say I'm a woman, obviously I had to be wrong.

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I'll probably get shit for this one. But remember I'm a girl


How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Women can't change anything.

Great!!. Women jokes. This should start a shit fight...but remember YOU started it off!

Why were shopping trolleys invented?.


So wimmin could learn to stand on their hind legs....

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I'll probably get shit for this one. But remember I'm a girl


How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Women can't change anything.

Except their minds, often.

And their hairstyles.

ugh fine. The joke is clearly bad. We change shit all the time. What can I say I'm a woman, obviously I had to be wrong.

You are right, Squeak;
She just changed her mind.